Sunday, 28 November 2010

Merry, my heart goes out to you.


This Christmas, be thankful for the friends you keep. Poor Merry...

It’s nearly December, and so now acceptable (I’m looking at you here overzealous shop window display) to draw attention to the festive season. It’s the Christmas associations that are the most intriguing, and we all make them: Christmas and Christ (Jesus), turkey and road crossings (or the lack of reference to) and, well one thing led to another and I was suddenly thinking about The Lord of the Rings and the hobbit character Merry. I wondered why he out of all the hobbits with pages (or screen time) devoted to them was called Merry. To me it’s obvious that all the other halflings are fools and are extremely infuriating. It seems like Tolkien has never had the credit that his ironic wit perhaps deserves.

So, I have put together a scene that possibly has a more realistic reaction from Merry in relation to his travelling companions and their aggravating nuances. Merry, does not, suffer fools gladly.

Gandalf: (Beard swinging in a furious tirade) Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!

Pippin: (Taking on a whimpery foot-dragging shuffle) Gandalf hates me.

Merry: (Casually looks up from his sat position) Of course he does, you’re possibly one of the last people that should ever be in an entourage charged with saving Middle Earth from complete and utter darkness. You’re a bloody annoying clumsy oaf. Damn, I shouldn’t of said oaf, it’s too similar to loaf, and you’re probably now just thinking about lembas bread again. Frodo’s carrying a burden?! I’VE got a fucking burden.

Pippin: (Head bowed in self pity) Frodo, he’s always been Gandalf’s favourite.

Frodo: (Absent-mindedly turns) Who, me?

Merry: Oh don’t you give it that self-effacing, martyr-like: ‘I’m just a normal hobbit really, but only I have the willpower to save Middle Earth’ crap.

Frodo: (Backs away as quietly as possible) I think I’ll just sit over here by myself, I’ve obviously led you down a dark path, your mind is becoming poisoned Merry.

Merry: (Throwing his hands in the air in disbelief) GREAT NAGZUL PREY! Shut. The. Fuck. Up!

Sam: (Swallows nervously and then clears his throat) Hey, don’t talk to master Frodo like that!

Merry: Oh it’s you, the boo-hoo overweight one. Hmmm, and I’m sure it’s a coincidence that you ended up going on a trek with the guy who has enough lembas bread to last for months on end was it?! Or do you only follow him around because he’s the only one who walks slowly enough under the weight of his giant languished ego for you to keep up? Right, fuck you guys, I’m off back to the Shire to have a run at that lass who works at the tavern.

Sam: But she’s, I…

(Merry turns and leaves briskly. Gandalf raises his eyebrows, tilts his head to the side and nods. He follows Merry).

Monday, 19 July 2010

Gronkey - A Suitable Metaphor For Perspective


The Gronkey is happy, the Gronkey is sad,
but not ever as bad as Les Miserables.

Perceived as indifferent, blame touched down,
a liminal world, always and never knowing what forces surround.

The Gronkey is green, the Gronkey is an ass,
but it does not keen, nor is flabbergast.

Time meanders, being hated being loved,
resting on the fence, always and never swayed but never shoved.

As an object The Gronkey is nothing more than a simple portmanteau word describing what is physical, and what is easily comprehendible, a green china donkey. However, having been sat on my desk for a month or so, and been key to many contemplatory thought sessions (staring into space) at the bacon ranch, ‘it’ turned to ‘he’ and he started to take on a metaphorical dimension. Perspective and perception are of course very individual traits, thoughts and viewpoints that vary from person to person and make the world go round via agreement and disagreement. Now, this is hardly an apple falling on the head moment, but one day when myself and Gronkey were deep in thought (staring into space) I noticed that whichever way I decided to handle him (rotating, sideways, upside-down etc.) he always kept the same expression that never seemed to look out of place.

For example, (using two emotional extremes to highlight my point) he looks just as natural being strangled…


As he does being tickled…


He is of course not changing his expression in reaction to being strangled and tickled, he is just an inanimate object, everything is set. The Gronkey is a constant, he is a green china donkey. But, within differing contexts and subsequent perspectives applied to a constant, a plethora of understandable, but not superior to one another, meanings will emerge. And here it lies, these meanings that we apply and embody as our identity are simultaneously contentious and agreeable, understood and misunderstood; but what is often forgotten is that the constant, which breeds the meaning, is the same to all.

Like I said, hardly an apple falling from on the head moment, but a poignant thought and suitable metaphor as a slice of ‘human nature pie’ nonetheless.

Again, the little poem that says it all:

The Gronkey is happy, the Gronkey is sad,
but not ever as bad as Les Miserables.

Perceived as indifferent, blame touched down,
a liminal world, always and never knowing what forces surround.

The Gronkey is green, the Gronkey is an ass,
but it does not keen, nor is flabbergast.

Time meanders, being hated being loved,
resting on the fence, always and never swayed but never shoved.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

The Possible Perils Of Being A 'Leader' In Inter-Galactic Relations.

With hopefully soon to be making redundant that laborious, post-formal education process of bacon hunting; I was recently reviewing some old notes and guidance material I have picked up or written. Obviously they were all intended to help me bring home said bacon (I’m not particularly avaricious), in one way or another. However, there was one that not only tickled my pickle but that was and still is particularly interesting, if regarding intergalactic relations. And when are we not doing that?!

My reviewing attention was grabbed by a page entitled ‘Developing Leadership Skills’, that was from a lecture I went to last year. While it included such pearls of wisdom as ‘mitigate risks, problems escalate, they do not appear’ and ‘a diversity of skills and ideas supports development’, it was the general message of ‘remember, everyone can be a leader!’ that left its mark on my satiric and perhaps pedantic mind. After hearing this (and as you can see from the ‘HA!’ on the line above) I illustrated it with a slight, fantastical twist. I initially found this amusing, but given the recent release of such films as Avatar and District 9 which, focus on the attempted co-habitation of the human and alien race I now find it, yes amusing still, but also a relevant concept (if explored purely for entertainment purposes) in badly timed self-assertion.


This is of course all a sophistic, superlative corollary of a simple piece of advice, but just be careful that it doesn’t get you into a situation where you will be negotiating an inter-life-form treaty of co-existence. It might be worth employing that vital aspect of good leadership, and deligate elsewhere, you might just find it saves you from turning blue and visiting your local loincloth store, or worse; the rather painful and undignified process of prawn-Therianthropy.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

A Bauer sense of humour.


Jack Bauer is a man on a mission. As the protagonist of the electrifyingly gripping television show 24, he is almost single handedly responsible for saving the world (but mainly America) from exploits of hardened criminals, terrorists and general troublemakers. He hardly has time for fun, frivolities or a sense of humour. However, if he were to ever crack a joke in an attempt to force an upside down frown, it would probably be along the following lines:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hugh who?

Kim hasn't lost her virginity, I found it and put it back.

Lemons? Life gives me whatever fruit I ask for.

And finally:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was necessary.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

If life lands you a verb, expand upon it.


Beer mats have always been a source of inspiration, Chaucer, Shakey and Johnson loved a good brew. The above mat inspired me to expand on its peculiarities.


Etymology 1

Noun. otter. Any aquatic or marine carnivorous mammal, member of the family Mustelidae, which also includes weasels, polecats, badgers, and others.

Etymology 2

Verb. to otter (third-person singular simple present otters, present participle ottering, simple past and past participle ottered)

1. (transitive, vulgar slang) Of a being, to be or have been turned on one's back and be(en) nuzzled in the mid-rift by one of the same being, in a rough but affectionate manner.

2. (intransitive, vulgar slang) To have participated in a playful/sexual act of attraction.

Monday, 7 September 2009

Alternative Titles

Suggestions are always welcome here at It Was No Soap Anywhere, so a big thank you to Stevross for the suggestion of the following alternative names for the SemiCelebToon piece:

Cut down to Size Toons

Celebrity Arse Dialogue

Celebrity Dump Gut Toons

Celebs Shit their guts toons!!! (His favourite)

Split (Shit) Personality

Thanks for that old bean, if more are to be published I would be foolish not to consider the re-name after this stroke of inspiration.

Saturday, 5 September 2009


A little activity where you can create your desired 'other bit' of a celebrity picture. That are woefully drawn but darn amusing and/or topical, and address whatever factors you wish to place on the celebrity or picture. I had another where it was the 'real' top half of Kurt Cobain, and where the bottom half portrayed Courtney Love performing fellatio on him to the result of an ejaculation of $'s, no need to discuss the metaphor there. But, I decided against posting it due the the fact that I would have 2 illustrated penises on one post, and I'm pretty sure the legislation is for 1-a-post. Anyway here are a few, perhaps more will follow if I manage to find enough time between eating and you know, looking for a post-University job in the big bad world.

Amy Winehouse - Her quest for new musical inspiration.


Lady GaGa - Accepting another 'slip' after her one at Glastonbury.


Jason Statham - Hates Electric 6, but loves lollies and toy guns. Grrr he's mean.